It's a hell of a drug
by pippiesuede
Summary: Jude/Lucy. Jude's having problems adjusting, and drugs are there with open arms to take him in. Angsty.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: My first attempt at ATU fanfiction...hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any characters, or anything for that matter, from Across The Universe

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The clouds swirled from one shape to another above his head

The clouds swirled from one shape to another above his head. Blue emptiness reflected from his dark brown eyes back into the world. Jude tried not to think. Thinking led to pain, pain so insufferable that food lost taste and breathing lost a purpose.

It had been six weeks since she had left him. Six weeks, and he still couldn't get his act together. The woman who gave him a reason to live had left him after giving him an ultimatum. And stupid git that he was, the drugs chose for him, pushing her gloriously blue eyes out of his life.

Even now the effects from his last hit lingered on the tips of his fingers, tongue, head. Just enough of it remained for him to easily forget about the day around him and the wet grass cushioning his head and back. Not enough to keep her out of his mind though.

"Fuck." He sighed, and pushed himself up to a sitting position, his shirt slid up his back slightly from being too small to cover his long torso. Running a hand through his greasy, floppy hair and taking a deep breath to let it out, he decided it was time to try and get out of the shit mess he was in.

He stood up and reached towards the sky in a stretch, letting his muscles burn, it felt good to have some sort of feeling. He shook his arms as they fell to his sides, and reached down to grab his crumpled overcoat off the ground.

Making the decision was easy enough, following through, that was almost impossible.

* * *

"Hey Judey, how's it going?" Max greeted his depressed best friend as the brit stomped into the apartment.

Silence answered the blond, something that seemed to happen more often than not. Jude had closed off pretty much everyone in the last few weeks, getting thinner and more pale. None of them knew about his addiction. Max had an idea, he was the one who introduced Jude to the drug that was killing him, not knowing that it would embed it's claws into his best friend and eat him alive. But Max had thought that it was something they just tried the once, you know, for the experience.

Lucy was the only one who knew the truth.

Jude stumbled over his discarded clothes strewn about his bedroom floor and went to his desk to try and fight the urge of shooting up. Maybe if he put a piece of charcoal in his hand and a sheet of paper in front of himself, the excess energy he got when his high wore down would travel out of his body as art.

He lost himself in his drawing, circles, lines, shadows, it became the only thing in his head. Sometimes this was the best way to escape his world. Even better than the heroin he used. With his art he left his cruel reality for a place that was his and his only.

With black hands and glazed eyes he leaned back to admire his work. His eyes traveled over the drawing and he bit his lip, trying to keep from screaming. Lucy's angelic face stared back at him from the desk, sad and beautiful and alone.

"ARRHH! Fuck this! Fuck me!" He yelled and crumpled the piece of art into a ball to throw across his room, where it landed atop a faded pair of white sneakers. He crouched down, hands clasped in his oily hair, eyes tight shut, trying to keep the tears at bay. He was a man, and he wouldn't cry, and he would get over this problem of his. It was just a matter of will power, right? Right. But first….he had to have one last hit, if he was serious about it this time, he needed that last surge to help him accept it.

There was a knock at his door. Jude jumped up and wiped his eyes quickly with his dirty palm, leaving a trail of charcoal across his cheek.

" Who is it?" he struggled to control his features, and self-conciously brushed his large hands over his shirt to straighten it out. Needless to say, this did nothing to change his appearance. His eyes were still rimmed red and his pasty skin glowed sickeningly.

Max opened the door enough to stick his head and shoulders in, he tried not to let dismay at his friend's appearance show on his face.

"You ok? Thought I heard something...er, just wanted to know if you were alright." He tucked a lock of blonde hair behind his ear and casually took in the rest of the room. The floor was littered with dirty clothes and balled up pieces of paper. Empty beer bottles danced in between the mess and shined dully.

Jude pushed his hands into his pockets and stared at his friend's feet.

"I'm fine, t'anks."

Max didn't believe him, he lingered and tried to ask again.

"Are you sure m-"

"I said, I'm. Fine." Jude glared at his bestie, and gritted his teeth to try and keep from shouting. It occurred to him that he was broke though, and he suddenly changed his demeanor.

"Actually, um...Max, would you 'appen to have some spare cash I can borrow?" He opened up his face a little, tried to look as if he cared. Instead he showed vulnerability in his dark eyes, and Max opened the door wider. He started to step into the room but Jude stopped him.

"Hey! I don't need you coming in here to hug me or anything like that. Just...do you have some money you can lend...I'll pay you back..." Jude started to pace aimlessly around his room, not wanting to meet his friend's eyes, but not able to stand still any longer. He was starting to itch, all over, the bugs under his skin were restless.

Jude jumped at the weight on his shoulder, and turned to face Max, his hand resting lightly on Jude to try and comfort him. The concern in those blue eyes reminded him too much of Lucy. So much in fact, that for a minute he forgot who he was looking at and his face began to crumble. His lips pulled back in a grimace and his eyes squeezed shut. He growled,

"Get off me mate."

Max did the opposite, he pulled Jude into a rough hug, and held tight. It frightened him how much bone he could feel under Jude's shirt and jacket. Jude was wasting away. Max fought back tears, he needed to be strong, needed to take care of his friend and bring him back. That's not what Jude wanted though.

He shoved Max away with the little strength he had, trying to catch his breath he shouted

"If you don't have any money to spare, then bugger off!"

The tall, gangly foreigner stumbled out of the room and was followed a few seconds later with the crash of the front door being slammed.

Shock splashed over Max's face. A moment later a little dimpled frown peered around the corner of the door.

"What was that about?" Prudence's little eyebrows furled in concern.

Max shook his head slowly

"I don't know, I mean...I know he's having a rough time with Luc, but I think there's something else going on here..."

* * *

The rain did nothing to help the greasy mop of hair atop his head. Jude ignored the cold drops that slid across his scalp to escape to his eyes… nose… mouth.

He could feel it all now. Everything. The gnawing hunger in the pit of his stomach, reminding him that he hadn't eaten in at least a couple days. The bad taste in his mouth, sharp pains shooting up and down his spine, drums pounding in his head, and the cold. Coldness seeped through his wool jacket and spread across his clammy skin. His teeth chattered incessantly, his hands were shoved up into his armpits to try and save at least a hint of warmth.

People passed by, some spared him a glance then quickly turned away to mind their own business. Most people just tried to stay out of his way. He stalked down the sidewalk with one thing on his mind. This time it wasn't Lucy.

He needed that bite of steel in his arm. Demanded to escape from this sore in-between state he was in now. He hunched his shoulders against the rain and turned a corner, his feet knew the way even if he didn't want them to.

He turned into a shabby-looking apartment building a block further on and tripped up the first couple steps.

"Shit!"

He pulled his hands away from the grimy step he had caught himself on and wiped them furiously on his pants, then proceeded up to the third floor. Out of breath and sweating slightly from his rush to get there, he stopped for a moment and leaned his head against the yellow-tinted walls. They must have originally been some sort of white, but now they reflected the type of tenants that cowered inside of them.

"Ok man, this is it, the last time. No more after this, you've got to get her back, and to do that, you gotta give this up." Jude shook his head and straightened up away from the wall,

"You can do this."

He knocked lightly on the door. There was a muffled shout and then some scratching at the lock, but the door finally opened to spill pale light onto Jude's haggard face.

A young red-headed woman looked up at Jude, and once recognizing his features, pulled the door open more to allow him space to slip through. The apartment he entered looked as if it belonged in the alley...maybe it was part of the alley magically transported up thirty stairs. There were empty cardboard boxes strewn about, many of them folded flat with various characters sleeping upon them. Garbage inhabited every corner and most of the counter space in the kitchen. A cat shot past Jude's ankles to reach the door before it closed, two more stared at him with glittering eyes from the hallway.

Jude didn't' see any of this though, after several months of coming here it didn't phase him in the least bit. He headed for the bedroom at the end of the hallway. He opened the door unceremoniously and spotted a dirty little fellow in the corner on a mattress with a couple other randoms from the street.

Jude went and took a seat on the mattress after shutting the door and began to take his jacket off.

"Just a quick one Mick, not like last time…heh, this is going to actually be 'my' last time." Jude smirked as he rolled up his grubby white shirt sleeve. The small man in the center of the mattress rolled his eyes cautiously at Jude, scratched his bare chest with fingernails that hadn't been cut in ages and shrugged.

"Whatev man, if you say so. You got funds though?" He began to set up for Jude, pulling numerous pieces of metal and plastic from around the mattress to himself.

Jude shoved a hand in his pocket and yanked out a couple wrinkly dollars.

"I'm just a bit short…but I promise this is the last time, and I could bring you the rest later."

Mick dropped what he was doing and glared at Jude.

"You think this is some give out? Some charity kind of work I do man? No, fuck that. Come back when you have the money, or don't come back at all." He shook his half fro of curly hair away from his eyes and turned his attention back to the other two people in front of him.

Jude stared at him for a few seconds, not really comprehending that he had just been shut down. He shook his head a couple times to himself and grinned.

"Mate, come on, be serious, I'm like five bucks short" he laid the back of his hand against Mick's chest trying to get his attention.

The drug dealer shot daggers at Jude and pushed his arm away. Jude's smile vanished.

"Get out. This isn't a joke, and don't come back unless you have the cash to pay for your stay."

Jude was immediately shunned completely from the rest of them when they turned their backs to him. He blinked quickly a few times, not believing the way this was turning out. Instead of pursuing this issue further, he actually rolled his sleeve down. Maybe this was really going to happen, he was going to quit, and he didn't need this last hit. This was a sign, he was sure of it.

He picked up his jacket gingerly and tiptoed off the mattress so as not to wreck whatever was going on where the others were seated.

Walking back through the hallway feeling sober was weird. He had never walked through this apartment without heroin running through his veins. This time he actually noticed the terrible words scratched on the walls, and the people crying alone in empty corners. He didn't want this for himself, and he for sure didn't want it for Lucy.

With a final glance at what could have been his future, and most surely would have been, he stepped back out the front door and closed it quietly.

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a/n: that's it for chapter one, if you enjoyed let me know and I'll update as soon as possible! Thanks!

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	2. Chapter 2

a/n: So this one isn't as long... took me while to get back to it cause work has been busy and I've been neglecting this for my art and guitar lately. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, please please review if you do, gives me much more incentive to want to continue. Thanks for the nice reviews I received on the first chapter!

disclaimer: I don't own ATU or these characters.

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The rough grain of the couch scratched her face as she rolled over once again to find a comfortable position. Lucy heaved a sigh and curled her blanket more tightly around her shoulders, trying to keep warm in the chilly apartment she was staying at. Luckily for her she had made a few friends at work that were willing to take her in til she figured out what she was going to do.

Jude. It all came back to him, always. He never left her mind, his coffee-colored eyes always gazing at her from the inside, and making her feel guilty, alone, and miserable. She missed him, and it hurt so bad to think about him, but he kept slipping into her thoughts, that cocky little grin on his face.

They hadn't left on good terms, she snorted to herself, obviously, or else she'd be in his arms right now and not trying to ignore the sounds of traffic coming from the window behind the couch. The pillow beneath her head caressed her cheek and absorbed her tears.

He had looked so scared…so pained the last time they were together. His eyes encased in greasy, dark smudges…his hair ratted in knots. She hadn't meant to catch him doing it, and still wished she hadn't. If she hadn't seen that needle slip into his arm, and the euphoric look on his face, maybe she'd be with him right this second.

He hadn't expected her home so soon, she got off early that night. The apartment was unusually quiet that night…most of their roommates out at some party for Sadie. She had actually been surprised that Jude's bedroom light snuck out from beneath his door.

But his face, when he saw her…when she saw him…she couldn't forget it. The shock had flown from her eyes to reflect horror on his face. Gasping and stumbling, the needle still hanging from his arm and a belt wrapped tight about his bicep he had tried to explain. But his words came out mushy and slurred and her anger wouldn't allow her to take the time to listen.

All she could think of was how he could hide something like that from her. How he could be so unhappy as to need a high that strong.

An ambulance drove past the building she was in, red and blue lights flashing against her wet eyes. She shivered and held in a sob.

He hadn't listened, not really. He was fucking high, and she couldn't stand it. Screaming and hitting, she had thrown her things in a bag. All the while Jude trying to wrap his arms around her, trying to sooth her. She shoved him away and stared at his gasping frame. He blinked tears from his eyes and yanked the needle out of his arm, then released the belt so it fell to the floor with a clunk.

"Why? Jude…why? How did you even keep this from me? How long? I mean…I can't do this. I don't even care how long …. Just why?"

She glared at him and he was suddenly a little kid again, staring at his feet and trying not to burst out in sobs.

"Lucy…I don't know why..I just, we tried it the once and then..I kept on…..I'm happy with you Lucy, this is just something that inspires me and helps with my art…I mean…well, it's just, it's nothing really.."

A glass shattered beside his head and she wished she hadn't missed. Then she stormed out of their room and headed towards the front door. Jude right behind her, he grabbed her by the waist and tried to pull her around into a kiss.

"No Jude!" She pushed her arms against his clammy chest

"Come on Love, please" his voice cracked and more tears spilled over his lower lids.

Lucy struggled and broke free of him

"Fine. Choose, me or that. What's more important? This should be an easy decision."

She waited patiently, or as patiently as she could, her foot tapping and her hands clenching and unclenching. And then he did something she didn't expect, something to break her heart. He hesitated. In that instant she was out the door and running down the hall.

She hadn't seen him since then, that had been well over a month ago. Obviously there had been a lot of questioning she had to go through. Everyone was so concerned…what happened? Why'd she leave? What did Jude do? What was going on?

Different paths she would say, they were just too different and it wouldn't work out in the long run. No one believed her, but she didn't care. She couldn't stand to tell them the truth. Maybe that was selfish of her, to not let them know that Jude had a problem. But she wanted him to stop for her, needed to 

know that she was worth it. And until then, she would continue to mope on her friend's couch and go to work and try to put fire in to her anti-war projects.

She leaned deeper into the couch and tried to find sleep.

* * *

His fingers were numb, hanging limply by his sides as he stared out his bedroom window. The sun had come out and birds flitted to and fro singing joyously…he wanted so badly to smash them.

Jude turned around and sat down softly on the side of his bed. It had been twelve hours since his last hit. He had gone longer than that before, but he knew this time nothing was going to stop the shakes and the vomiting and the bright lights. He curled in on himself, trying not to be afraid. Sweat had already accumulated around the neck of his shirt and in rings under his arms. He rocked back and forth slightly, trying to ignore the snakes writhing in his stomach.

"Lucy"

Saying her name aloud helped slightly, forced him to remember why he was sitting here waiting for withdrawals. The front door slammed and he glanced up at his bedroom door. A newly placed chain lock rested at the top of the door, allowing him the privacy he was going to need to get through this.

A sharp pain stabbed into his gut and he rolled forward moaning, squeezing his eyes shut. His chunky hair fell ungraciously across his face and little bits remained In the sweat caressing his brow. Breathing shallowly he rolled over slightly to be in a fetal position on his bed. His jeans wrapped tightly around his waist and helped the surges of pain continue.

_Knock knock knock_

Jude answered by biting back his next groan of pain, the sound burying itself deep inside. He tried desperately not to cry.

"Jude, honey? You ok?" Sadie's voice traveled through the door and to his ears.

"I'm fine, jus' a little bellyache." He bit his lip and bowed his head to his knees trying not to allow any more come from his mouth.

"Alright Honey,if you need anything you just holler for me." Her footsteps echoed away from his door and he let out a breath of relief.

Another twinge went through his middle, pulling his stomach in circles to land outside his body. Jude quickly shot his head over the side of his bed and aimed for the bucket that was placed there. Each heave allowed bile to drip down his lips and chin to splash into the white plastic below. He lay there shaking for a time afterwards, each breath sent his lips quivering.

"Lucy"

He eased into sleep with his head hanging over the side of his mattress and tangled clumps of hair matted to his face. It was as peaceful as he was going to be for the next few days.

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a/n: again sorry it's a bit short, but if you like it there will be more soon. please review, thanks!!

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	3. Chapter 3

It hurt so fucking bad.

Jude rolled over to his other side, retching as he did so. Nothing came out. Dry heaves had been pushing through his body for the better part of an hour, and his throat was raw from all the bile that had come before them.

He wasn't exactly sure what time it was, but he knew it was sometime in the early morning, perhaps two or three. Sadie must have explained his absence to everyone because no one had tried to bother him all night. He had hated them though, hearing them laugh and talk outside his bedroom, like everything was fine.

His stomach growled angrily and he bit back a sob. His eyes hurt, his fucking eyeballs hurt. They felt as though someone was shoving their dirty thumbs into the sockets, and his jaw ached. Everything hurt if he stopped to think about it, and really, what else did he have to think about right now? His back screamed every time he twisted into a new position, his legs cramped constantly. In fact, it all hurt too much. Way too much.

He sat up slowly and slid to the edge of his bed. Head cradled in his sweaty palms he tried to stop himself, but it was no use.

"I'm sorry Lucy, I can't handle this."

With weak legs, he wobbled over to his door and slid the lock out of place, then eased out into the apartment.

At first he thought he was alone in the dark living area, sliding by the couch he stopped abruptly to curl his torso down towards his knees. Sharp knives played with his stomach, he wrapped his arms about his middle and whimpered as sweat poured freely down his face.

"Jude?"

He jumped as Max's raspy, tired voice traveled to his ears. The pain still racing through his body, joints tweaking and head pounding, Jude tried to stand up straight. It didn't work, he put out a hand to catch himself against the couch before slowly crumpling to the floor.

"Jude? What the hell man…" Max was immediately crouched on the floor next to him, never mind where he had been hiding, he was right there in Jude's personal bubble now, popping it with his concern.

Jude tried to hide his face from his best friend, his grubby shirt quenching the tears that leaked out his eyes.

"I'm fine Max, I just have a belly ache, I told Sadie, I thoug- Ahh!" invisible axes chopped at his knees, elbows, neck. Jude turned away from Max, and buried his head into the side of the couch, breathing 

raggedly. Sweat shined off his neck, and Max could see every vein that resided there proudly standing up against his flesh.

"No man, this is not just some bad food, what is going on with you?" Max hesitantly pressed his hand to Jude's heated forehead, moisture gathered under his touch. He leaned closer to Jude's face, trying to read what his features said, but all he saw was pain. From the dark smudges around his clenched eyes, to the sores that hugged his chapped lips.

"Come on man, let's get you off the floor. I'm gonna move you to the couch...ok?"

Max waited a couple seconds for a response but Jude just clenched his hands tighter and gritted his teeth.

Max slowly placed one arm beneath Jude's sweat-drenched shoulders, and the other underneath his bent knees. It took him a couple tries, he grunted and strained and the third attempt awarded him the strength to lift his friend.

Max tried to ignore the whimpering noises his friend was making as he manuevered him onto the couch. He clicked a lamp on that was beside the couch so he could better determine what was wrong with his friend.

The light threw a yellow tint across Jude's face, he shivered uncontrollably and hugged his arms around himself. Max took a deep breath and tried not to freak out. Jude's appearance was appalling. He looked like a corpse that's flesh was just beginning to rot off. His closed eyes were encased in black circles, there were open and scabs wrapped around his gaping mouth. His hair looked liked a badly tended wig at this point, so greasy it appeared to be fresh from the shower.

Jude's always slim frame was now to the point of being just a skeleton wrapped in an oily rag. Dried vomit resided upon his chin and the top of his shirt, there was even a hint of piss wafting from him.

Max covered his mouth with his forearm, trying to rid his nose of the awful stench his best bud was producing. He took a deep breath and placed his scrawny ass alongside Jude's legs, leaning over him to look into his face better.

Jude seemed to have passed out from whatever was causing him all this suffering. Max bit his thumb and tried to think of what to do. He wasn't sure if he wanted to wake everyone, considering how bad Jude looked, he thought his friend probably didn't want to be seen like this.

Jude turned his face into the couch cushions and started to weep. He was still sleeping… the cries were muffled and strained. Max turned his head away from the couch and pushed the grimy bangs out of Jude's face. Dull brown eyes answered his touch, confusion, but mostly fogged pain resided in them.

"Max?... Max, I need to-to borrow some mon-money from you mate, it's real important this time."

Max stared at his friend with something like disbelief writ on his face. He began to shake his head, Jude's confused gaze began to darken to anger and fear.

"Max, please… Don't make me beg, I can't… I can't handle this, it's too much." His voice whined high on his confession.

"Jude, I'm getting this sinking feeling that you've gotten yourself into something that I don't want to support. Let me help you any other way. What can I do to help you get through this… sickness… withdrawals I'm thinking. I'll help you get through this, but I can't help you make it worse."

Jude squeezed his eyes shut past the leaking tears and pushed his head back against the arm of the couch. He took a deep breath, then another, and pushed himself up to a sitting position, forcing Max to stand up again.

He shook his head to himself, then placed both feet on the floor and attempted to stand, wobbling and holding his arms out, Max grabbed his wandering arms and held him steady.

"Jude, what are you doing… "

Jude weakly pushed Max away from him, not moving him much but at least getting his touch of off him. He turned from his blonde friend and began to stumble towards the door.

Max was right behind him, pulling him back, if only Max knew how fucking hard it had been to stand up he wouldn't have been trying to stop Jude.

"Fuck off Max… geroff of me!" Jude screamed and pushed at Max again, then used the last of his strength to slam into the door, pull it open, and run out it.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This chapter isn't very long… I'm not sure how much I like it either, but I was bored at work today and figured I'd write

A/N: This chapter isn't very long… I'm not sure how much I like it either, but I was bored at work today and figured I'd write some Let me know what you think! And thank you for the nice reviews

Disclaimer: I don't own Jude or Lucy

--

Jude stumbled down the many stairs that led up to their apartment. His bare feet slipped and twisted a strange dance to keep him from falling. His breath came in short bursts, making him dizzy, but he couldn't stop. Couldn't go back, they'd all be there waiting for him. Trying to hold him back, saying they knew what was best.

But they didn't know. They couldn't know. They weren't being torn apart by an impulsive addiction like he was. Tears leaked from his bruised eyes and caressed his hollow cheeks. The night sky opened up above him as he fell through the door to the complex.

Now where was he supposed to go? He gazed numbly in each direction, hunched over his agonized body, grunting with the effort it was taking to actually stand. His thoughts wandered wildly. No one would help him get a fix without money, but he didnt' have any money. He knew there was no hope back up those stairs for him.

He wiped his nose with one fist and slowly began his way to the only hope he had left.

--

"Order up!"

Lucy's messily pinned bun fell sloppily down her back as she hastened to pick up her

order. She stopped for a moment to pull her dull golden hair into a hasty ponytail, then grabbed the warm plate and headed towards the awaiting customer.

She laid the plate in front of an old man, who thanked her and began to slowly devour his toast and eggs. Surprisingly she loved the midnight shift. It never got too busy, and it always stayed a bit quiet.

"I'm going to break!" she called through the kitchen doors before walking out to the front of the diner.

The cool air which accompanied late night/early morning kissed her face and helped lighten her heavy mood. She took a deep breath and leaned back against a vacant wall to look at the stars.

Finally, she was starting to get over him. Well, not really, but she really wanted to believe that she was. She had gone out and spent some of her hard earned money on a new outfit. Something to perhaps push her away from her past and into a brighter future.

But everywhere she turned she still saw him. The worst part was, her last image of him was the one that haunted her most. She wished she could just remember his smiling face, the way his eyes lit up and his cheeks grew round when he grinned at her. Wished she could remember the way his eyelashes curled against his cheeks as he slept. But instead she kept seeing his red, teary eyes, and broken expression. She shook her head and wiped a stray tear from her face quickly.

This was exactly what she didn't want to do right now. She still had to get through the rest of her shift, and thinking of Jude would make that impossible.

"Lucy.."

She jumped, she hadn't noticed someone approaching her. She turned her head to the figure staggering down the sidewalk towards her.

Horror dawned on her as she realized who was trying relentlessly to make their way to her spot on the sidewalk. She swallowed the vomit that had jumped up her throat and

called out hesitantly.

"...Jude?"

The figure tripped on a lifted sidewalk edge and skidded a few feet on the pavement. Lucy let out a little cry and ran over to him. She kneeled down and gently put a hand on his drenched shirt.

Jude let out a sob and rolled to his side, his arms now bore angry red scratches, a

small circle bled on his chin as well.

"Oh Jude... what are you doing here? How did you end up like this?" Lucy's questions came out through her breaking voice, tears steamed as they raced down her smooth face.

Jude weakly tried to push himself up, he was now crying too hard to do much else. Lucy

helped him scoot back to rest against the wall of the diner. She gently raised him to a sitting position and rested on her knees in front of him, her fingers and eyes taking in every inch of his face.

"Lucy, I'm sorry... I can't do it, I can't! It hurts so bad, I don't want t-to hurt anymore, I don't w-want to hurt you! But I can't stand t-this-"

Lucy stopped his cries with her lips pressed firmly against his. He relaxed a little, running a hand over her soft hair. She sat back and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Jude, I'll help you. But I can only do that if you promise you'll help yourself. I love you too much to see you do this to yourself."

He began to cry again, a little softer, and pushed himself away from her slightly. His face turned into the wall and he tried to hide himself. There was no use though, she was there, everywhere, her scent in his nose, her voice and breath in his ears, blue and gold in his sight.

If only she knew how bad he needed a hit.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N sorry it's been so long... working, weddings, and just not at the top of my list of things to do, anyway, I hope you guys like this chapter, I don't know if I do, but if I think about it too much I wont' post it so I gotta do it now:) Let me know what you think!

disclaimer: don't own anyone

* * *

Max glared at his friends

"What did you expect me to do? He was gone in a split second. By the time I got out the door ...come on guys, it's not like he could've gone very far."

Sadie shook her head, not really at Max, but at the whole situation. She felt guilty... all of them felt guilty. They all had noticed something going on with their friend, but none of them had really stepped up to make sure he was ok.

Max shoved his hands deeper into his pockets and stared at the floor. Jojo sat on the couch staring out the window, while Sadie stood with her arms crossed over her chest, one thumbnail between her teeth. Prudence sat next to Jojo cross-legged. Silence wrapped around them, driving all their thoughts to the worse possible outcome. Finally Sadie broke the defeaning quiet.

"Do you think he would go to Lucy? That's really the only place I could think of that we all know about..."

Max ran a hand through his shaggy hair and looked at each friend in turn.

"I guess we can start there... I'll head over to the diner and see if she's working, and one of you can head over to her friends place?"

Everyone nodded their agreement. Max took a deep breath, then left the room to get some decent clothes on to go search for his best friend.

* * *

Lucy softly wiped the caked vomit built up around Jude's lips off with a warm washcloth, being careful not to remove the scabs that had formed there. He moaned quietly and tried to turn his head away. She slowly tilted his head back towards her.

It was hard... for her to clean him up as he lay there unconcious. The sight of his emaciated body made her want to scream, but she kept quiet and continued to remove the sweat and dirt from his face and body. He whimpered in his sleep and mumbled incoherant sentences, she paid no mind though.

Rocking back on her heels, Lucy stood up to go and rinse the rag out again, taking care to not make a lot of noise. Her mind went over the last hour once again and she turned on the kitchen sink and waited for the water to get warm.

She thought the walk back to her friend's apartment had been the worse part. Jude crying and stumbling over every rock and crack in the ground, pulling on her arm to try and not fall. Her soothing voice had been the only thing keeping him attached though. If she had known the thoughts going through his head at that point in time she probably would have let go of him and taken off, leaving him to the street.

Thoughts had raced through his mind... ones he would be embarrassed about later, but at that moment had seemed plausible and possible. Thoughts of grabbing Lucy's purse and running off into the night, hoping there'd be money in there. Thoughts of begging, pleading for money, and letting her know that she could try it too, if they had enough. Thoughts of holding up one of the corner stores while Lucy waited outside for him. All bad thoughts, but to him, they seemed important.

Lucy literally had to carry Jude up the steps to her friend's second floor apartment, it wasn't easy, and it for sure didn't look easy. A skinny blonde girl with a withered boy slung on her back.

After waking up her roommate and explaining the situation she had taken Jude to the couch she normally slept on and began to undress him. She ignored his protests and weakly pushing hands, ignored the slurs that came from his sore mouth. She knew he wasn't in the right state of mind... or at least she hoped he wasn't.

The water ran hot and steam rose to caress her face, reminding her why she was in the kitchen. She shook her head to herself then soaked the rag and wrung it out a couple times, turning the water off as she left the kitchen.

The lamp beside the couch cast a white glow on Jude's limp body, a green wool blanket wrapped around his middle, hiding his nakedness.

She sighed and sat back down beside the end of the couch where his head was rested. Her eyes followed the line of his jaw to his hair... it seemed to absorb the light from the lamp, black as oil. There were little crusts forming around his eyelids and she took care to wipe them away gently. He murmered some more. The sores wrapped around his chapped lips didn't look so bright any longer... they had faded to a dull pink, not the bright red they were when he had found her. She had also placed a band aid on the scrape he had recieved on his chin earlier in the evening.

Tears stung Lucy's eyes as she watched Jude's breath raggedly come and go. She hoped she would be strong enough to hold him back from his urges when he awoke.

* * *

Max walked into the brightly lit diner and immediately scanned the almost empty room. He didnt' see Lucy.

Not giving up hope, he walked over to the cash register on the counter and waited for someone to come out and greet him.

It didnt' take long before a short, plump waitress, with a brown bob came trudging up to the counter from the kitchen. She didn't spare more than a glance for Max,

"Can I help you with something?"her voice was tired, her eyes were tired, Max felt bad.

"Uh... is Lucy working tonight?"

The woman shook her head

"She did work for awhile... when she was taking her break I guess her boyfriend came to see her and he was really sick, so she left early. That's why I'm here." She glared at Max now.

He shifted uncomfortably, not wanted to bother this woman any longer than he had to,

"Oh... well do you know if she went home? Or maybe to the hospital...?"

"Hell if I know. Are you going to order anything?"

He shook his head and left the diner quickly, leaving behind an angry waitress.

Once outside he turned towards the street that Lucy's friend lived on, hoping she'd be there.

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Don't know how much I like this chapter , but I wrote it at work and I'm bored... so we'll see I guess by how you guys liked it:)


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Haven't written on this story in a long while. Anyway, not sure how well this chapter fits, please let me know. :) Thanks for all the nice reviews btw

Don't own anyone of these characters

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His fingers twitched at his side as he tried to make himself knock on the door in front of him. Running around trying to find his friend was one thing, but knowing that Jude was probably on the other side of that door... and having to face the fact that he hadn't noticed the warning signs his friend had been screaming well enough to help more, well... that was why Max hadn't knocked yet.

Finally he let out a sigh and rapped three times on the door. For a moment he thought that maybe no one was in there, or maybe the inhabitants were all sleeping too deeply to hear his knuckles against the fake wood that barred them in there. That idea slipped his mind as a very tired and dull Lucy slid the door open a crack.

"Max... I'm so glad you're here Max... it's Jude...I don't know how.. I-I" tears began to spill onto her cheeks, racing down the peach-toned skin to meet together under her chin. Her lips trembled as Max immediately pushed open the door and wrapped her in a hug.

"I know Lucy... I know. I'm so sorry I didn't get to warn you, or help him..." They stood there silently for a minute, Lucy taking deep breaths to compose herself once more.

She gently pushed herself away from her big brother and looked over her shoulder into the dim-lit living room. Her gaze swept back to him.

"He's asleep right now. I've tried cleaning him up a bit... he came to my work, and... I don't think I've ever seen someone look so... so... sick, so physically ill." She shook her head a little.

Max settled his hands on her shoulders and looked down into her face, putting on the best big brother look her could.

"Don't worry Luc, we'll fix him up, it'll all be ok"

He tried to make himself believe it.

* * *

They're voices were muffled...unimportant to him. Right now all he cared about was the warmth that had slowly seeped into his broken body.

Being warm helped a little, but the pain was still there. A gaping hole in his middle bared it's teeth and growled, causing Jude to flinch and curl onto his side. He wanted so badly for it to be done with. To be done with the craving and endless hunger. He felt like one big bruise.

It couldn't get worse, right? In answer to his thought, the pain doubled, knives stabbing into his stomach and down his spine. He cried out, the tears already making their way into the couch cusions beneath him.

A firm hand spread on his chest and pushed him back against the couch, gentle, but firm. Spit flew from his shaking lips from sobs attempting to break loose.

"Jude...shhhh... it's ok Jude. Everything's going to be alright...shhh.." The voice pounded through his ears, making his brain throb, too loud, everything was too loud. Too much sensation, he could feel every line on the palm that rested against his hairless chest.

He roughly pushed the hand away and glared into the glowing room that lay around him. Two people stood over him, one slouched slightly over their smaller frame, more delicate frame, while the other held back the hand that had just been shoved away.

Jude used his elbows to bring himself to a sitting position, never forgetting to keep curled slightly over his stomach to lessen the sharp pain.

"what do you want? Where am I? Is that you Max? Didn't I tell you I didn't need help from you?!"

His breath began to quicken and Lucy ran to turn on another light. The brightened room squeezed Jude's eyes shut tight for a moment, blinding him. He shouted wordlessly as each throb in his head became more pronounced.

Lucy quickly kneeled beside the couch, facing him and began to wrap him in her arms. He tried feebly to push away, but she was the stronger opponent at the moment.

"Jude, we're both here to help you, you need to calm down ok? Please" her voice cracked on the last word. Jude slowly stopped struggling with her, his forehead resting against her shoulder. Tears leaked from his eyes and fell straight to the blanket beneath them.

"Lucy... please tell Max to leave... I can't-I don't want ... I don't want him here. Please."

Lucy turned saddened eyes up to her big brother, wishing Jude wasn't so upset, needing her brother there to help her. But Max nodded his head, irritated, but understanding for the moment. He turned and left the apartment without a word.

Lucy nestled her nose in Jude's greasy dark locks, taking in his scent, trying to force his breathing to match her own slower breaths.

He pulled his head back, and stared at the spot where his head had been. Lips pushed together tightly and his brows curled in frustration.

"I don't want to see Max again Lucy. Not for a long time... It was his idea... and this is what it did to me. I dunno... if I'll ever want to see him again." Fearful of her anger or rejection, he closed his eyes and immediately lay back down, pulling his blanket up around himself to cover his shoulders and neck. After a couple deep breaths, he seemed to drift back to sleep.

Lucy stared at his glistening face, the sweat an even layer across his features. Max's idea?

What had been Max's idea?

She quietly rose up and tiptoed to the door, hoping her brother hadn't decided to run.

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End file.
